It wasn’t so long ago that roller derby was relegated to such ignominious company as unicycle hockey and extreme ironing. As any casual observer of ESPN 8: The Ocho will tell you, that’s a crying shame. Thankfully, roller derby has experienced a resurgence of late, thanks to the fact that, oh I don’t know, it’s awesome? Let me break the sport down for you:
1. It features attractive, punky women in outfits that are sexy without being depressing or setting back feminism several decades (lookin’ at you WWE).
2. Unlike NASCAR, you don’t feel guilty when rooting for crashes.
3. Clever team names. Texas Rollergirl team names include the Texecutioners, the Hell Marys, and the Honky Tonk Heartbreakers. Oh, and they have logos like this-
The way the sport works is there’s this girl on each team called a “Jammer” who tries to lap the opposing team’s players to score points. There’s probably lots of other important rules and traditions to the sport, but the Wikipedia page on roller derby is surprisingly lengthy and would take a long time to read. If you’re that interested in the actual integrity of the sport, I’m sure putting Whip It in your Netflix queue would suffice to learn the ins and outs of roller derby, as well as whether Ellen Page can overcome her constricting social norms and discover something that’s more true to who she is (spoiler: she can).
The important thing is that the sport has a bunch of chicks crashing into each other on roller skates. Just imagine a Sonic Drive-in if everyone managed to place their orders at exactly the same time. Where can you see all of this violent female epicness? Your best bet is the Texas Rollergirls’ Home Season Championship this Saturday at the Austin Convention Center. And this ain’t no nancy-boy regular season match. It’s the ‘ship! Win or go home! Do or die! Sports cliche! Excitement will ensue.
Tickets are only $12 in advance and can be purchased by clicking the link on the event page. Kids under 12 are free, which means corrupting the youth is more reasonable than ever! And the cherry on this metaphorical ice cream sundae is that we’re raffling off five pairs of tickets to the championship for anybody who clicks the “I Like It” button on the event page. You’re welcome Do512ers.